Attachment issues vs ADHD in relationships: Why you might pull away

Drifting away from relationships can be due to various factors. You might think that it’s a fear of intimacy or commitment issues. However, the reasons behind this behavior can be very different.

For some, pulling away is rooted in attachment issues that were developed during childhood. For others, it’s tied to symptoms of ADHD such as forgetfulness, emotional dysregulation, or impulsivity, which may unintentionally strain relationships. Keep reading to learn more about how these conditions influence such behaviors in relationships.

Attachment styles and how they manifest in relationships

There are two different attachment styles in individuals, which we will discuss in the following section.

Secure attachment style

According to John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory, an individual with a secure attachment style had a primary caregiver who made sure that the child felt:

• Secure and safe
• Seen and understood
• Encouraged to explore
• Appreciated
• Comfort, calmness, and reassurance

How does secure attachment manifest in relationships?

Individuals with this attachment style are comfortable being in intimate relationships and have no problems communicating their feelings and thoughts.

When perceiving relationship dissolution, securely attached individuals tend to exhibit stable relational patterns and mild distress levels.

A study mentioned that individuals with a secure attachment are more likely to be in romantic relationships because they possess desirable traits for a long-term partner, such as being sensitive, warm, and attentive. Also, there is a positive correlation between secure attachment and higher satisfaction in relationships.

Attachment issues: Insecure attachment styles

If any of the conditions of the secure attachment style are not met, the child is likely to develop an insecure attachment style as they grow up. There are three different insecure attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

Anxious attachment style

An anxious attachment style usually results from inconsistent parenting patterns. At times, parents may be attentive and responsive, but at other times, they may be emotionally unavailable or not in sync with the child’s needs.

This unpredictability can cause the child confusion about what to expect from their primary caregivers, leading to insecurity because of the mixed signals they receive.

How does anxious attachment manifest in relationships?

Individuals with an anxious attachment style may exhibit the following behavior in relationships:

• Clinginess
• Fear of abandonment
• Trust issues
• Negative self-worth
• Dependence on others

These individuals may experience difficulty in managing intense emotions, coping with distress associated with separation, and tend to be constantly alert for potential problems in their relationships.

Among the three insecure attachment styles, anxious individuals experience the highest level of distress when they think that their relationship is about to end. As a result, they may feel compelled to end a relationship and start a new one as soon as possible.

Avoidant attachment style

The development of the avoidant attachment style is associated with the emotional availability of the child’s caregivers. While they are physically present and may meet the child’s basic needs, they may often shy away from intimacy and emotional expression.

When the child needs comfort or affection, the primary caregiver tends to be emotionally distant and may pull back. Not only does the caregiver suppress their own emotions, but they may also discourage the child from showing any strong emotions.

How does avoidant attachment manifest in relationships?

In relationships, individuals with an avoidant attachment style often struggle to establish trust and form close connections with others.

Other signs that an individual has an avoidant attachment style in relationships are:

• Not being comfortable with emotional intimacy
• Does not like sharing feelings and thoughts with others
• Having difficulty trusting people
• Preferring to have boundaries in relationships
• Resolving relationship issues on their own
• May distance themselves if someone attempts to get emotionally close
• Appears aloof or distant
• Considering themselves as independent and self-sufficient

Unlike individuals with an anxious attachment style, avoidant individuals experience less emotional distress when perceiving relationship dissolution.

Disorganized attachment style

The disorganized attachment style is considered the most challenging to cope with, as it develops in environments marked by fear, unpredictability, or even abuse during childhood.

Instead of experiencing safety and connection during childhood, children who develop a disorganized attachment style perceive their caregivers as a source of fear. As adults, individuals with this attachment style tend to exhibit inconsistent behavior and struggle to trust others.

How does disorganized attachment manifest in relationships?

Individuals with a disorganized attachment style experience a deep inner conflict when it comes to relationships. They want to experience belonging, to love, and to be loved.

However, on the other hand, they are fearful of being too emotionally close to anyone, as they believe that those who are closest to them will hurt them.

Other potential issues that can manifest in a relationship with disorganized adults include:

• Lack of trust
• Giving mixed signals
• Going numb or shutting down during arguments
• Making unhealthy relationship dynamics, such as intentionally hurting their partner or starting fights
• Finding excuses to end relationships
• Choosing controlling or potentially abusive partners

ADHD and relationship challenges

Because of ADHD symptoms such as impulsivity, inattention, and hyperactivity, individuals with ADHD often go through social rejection and interpersonal relationship problems.

Social rejection

A qualitative study found that individuals with ADHD experience these instances when it comes to interpersonal relationships:

• Maintaining relationships with neurotypical people/individuals without ADHD: Participants of the study shared that they had difficulties maintaining relationships with others due to their symptoms. For instance, a participant struggled to maintain clean and organized living spaces. They shared, “My relationships with people are stunted because I feel like if no one can ever visit me.”
• Facing stigma from others: Some participants with ADHD shared that disclosing their diagnosis often led to being dismissed or not taken seriously. This may result in these individuals hiding their condition from other people and not being truly honest and open about this aspect of themselves.
• Masking to hide their symptoms: Because they feel different from others, they try to mask their ADHD symptoms. However, participants of the study shared how masking required a lot of energy, and once they couldn’t maintain this energy anymore, they felt extreme emotional instability.
• Having difficulty communicating their feelings and thoughts: Other participants shared that they struggle with expressing their feelings or staying engaged in conversations, which results in their relationships fading. At times, they forget to reply to messages and lose track of discussions. There are also others who experience misunderstandings when they couldn’t clearly explain what they meant, which sometimes caused conflict.

Brief romantic relationships

Another study found that adults with ADHD usually tend to have brief and unstable romantic relationships. Individuals with symptoms of inattention, hyperactivity, or impulsivity reported being less satisfied with their relationships than those without such symptoms.

Another observation mentioned in the study was that couples with a partner with a combined presentation of ADHD had a more negative conflict resolution behavior and had lower relational satisfaction than others.

Attachment issues vs ADHD: Why you might pull away

So, what are the possible reasons why you might pull away from a relationship? This table compares the possible reasons for individuals with attachment issues or with ADHD:

The key difference is that people with attachment issues pull away because intimacy feels threatening, whether it’s from fear of abandonment or discomfort with closeness. Meanwhile, individuals with ADHD tend to withdraw from relationships because their symptoms, such as forgetfulness and impulsivity, make relationships harder to manage.

Strategies to improve relationships

Whether you have attachment issues or ADHD, there are still ways to improve your interpersonal relationships. Here are a few that you can consider:

1. Emotion-focused therapy

Emotion-focused therapy (EFT) focuses on emotional regulation to support and form healthy and secure relationships.

EFT is closely connected to Bowlby’s Attachment Theory, as it applies its principles and uses evidence-based techniques to address concerns related to insecure attachment styles. Through EFT, individuals can:

• Express their emotional needs in their relationship
• Learn how to regulate their emotions
• Form a therapeutic bond with their therapist, which promotes the formation of other healthy relationships

A study determined the impact of EFT on marital satisfaction and attachment patterns in married women. This intervention enabled these women to focus more on their partners’ behavior, increase their tolerance, and use proper communication techniques, which led to stronger relationships.

Another study mentioned that EFT can help couples identify the negative patterns caused by ADHD symptoms through identifying the couple's negative interaction cycle, recognizing each other’s weaknesses, and addressing past attachment issues and concerns.

By focusing on these areas, couples gain more understanding of how past experiences influence their interpretation of their partner’s actions and behavior.

2. Cognitive behavioral therapy

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is another effective intervention to consider. CBT approaches help individuals in:

• Regulating emotions
• Decreasing impulsivity
• Improving time management and organizational skills
• Improving communication and social skills
• Helping determine and address root causes related to attachment patterns

A quasi-experimental study conducted on 13 medical students found that CBT significantly improved secure attachment styles, enhanced overall mental health, and increased students’ optimism following the intervention.

Another study tested a program that integrated components of CBT for ADHD with couples therapy to help adults with ADHD who have problems in their romantic relationships. Following the intervention, participants, both with and without elevated ADHD symptoms, reported fewer relationship difficulties.

3. Support groups

Joining a community, such as support groups, can also help you improve, build, and maintain your relationships.

Attachment Repair Groups, offered by The Attachment Project, aim to help clients develop a secure attachment style through weekly group sessions led by a psychotherapist and courses on somatic healing, attachment theory, and Taoism.

Courses that they provide include the following:

The Attention Deficit Disorder Association also offers a support group for couples living with ADHD. They provide a safe space for couples to share about communication and relationship dynamics. Aside from 24/7 access to the community, members can access expert content, webinars, and toolkits.

4. Mindfulness-based interventions

Mindfulness-based interventions (MBIs) have been shown to increase well-being, self-compassion, and overall quality of life. A study found that couples who undergo MBIs experience increased relationship quality.

A meta-analysis investigating the effect of MBIs on insecure attachment styles found that the intervention resulted in positive outcomes in the following aspects:

• Dispositional mindfulness, or the general level of mindfulness in daily life
• Alleviation of depression and anxiety
• Stress reduction

Additionally, a systematic review of 13 studies with 753 adult participants found consistent improvements in ADHD symptoms following MBIs, along with emotion regulation and executive functioning.

Wrap up

People in relationships may pull away due to insecure attachment styles developed during childhood, or due to underlying symptoms of ADHD.

Adults with insecure attachment styles may appear distant, lack trust in others, or be uncomfortable with emotional intimacy. For those with ADHD, withdrawal from relationships is usually about their symptoms, as challenges in communication, organization, and emotional regulation create unintentional barriers.

Strategies such as emotion-focused therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, joining support groups, and mindfulness-based interventions can help address relationship problems that may be affected due to ADHD and insecure attachment styles.

Frequently asked questions

Can attachment issues and ADHD coexist?

Yes, attachment issues and ADHD can occur in tandem. In fact, a study confirmed that there is a clear association between ADHD and insecure attachment.

Can ADHD medication improve relationship functioning?

Yes, medications for ADHD are essential as these help manage symptoms that impact interpersonal relationships.

Are there medications for those experiencing attachment issues?

There are no medications that directly treat attachment issues. However, drugs like antidepressants, mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, stimulants, and alpha-agonists can help manage related symptoms such as anxiety or depression.